Recently, I was stripped of all my finances. I am left without even a dime in the bank. And unfortunately, I never carry cash.
For the next four days, I will live very frugally. That might not sound so hard, but it is when you are a college student and ALREADY live frugally. I'm eating dust for every meal and sometimes I manage to sneak a sip of water from the sink in the restroom when no one is looking. I've resorted to sofa diving for change, but to no avail. My couch has only been here for a week, so it has had little chance to swallow up my spare change. I'm exaggerating a bit, but I think you get the point. I've (temporarily) fallen on hard times.
How did I end up this way? It's primarily due to my ties with multiple terrorist organizations around the world. Who'dathunkit? A white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant male sleeping with the enemy? I guess we all have secrets, and sometimes those secrets fall into the hands of the right (or wrong?) people. My dirty laundry has now been aired.
I've kept great cover over the past 20 years. I've posed as an Honor Roll student, a Key Club president, a Unicorn, and a Resident Advisor. Would you venture to connotate any of those with terrorist? Exactly - you wouldn't. And that's why I've been so successful.
So, my friends, I think it's the end of the road for me. Any minute now, they'll find me. I sit waiting, on my couch, in Grimes 411. Obama and his cronies are standing outside of my door, waiting for the right moment to bust in and charge me with treason. I am documenting this so that you know the truth. Don't let the media blind you.
It should be noted that this post was published in complete jest. If you are a member of the United States Department of Defense, I applaud your work and hope that you can laugh at a twenty-year-old's humor. As a friend stated yesterday, I am the antithesis of a terrorist.